A few years back I was working on an Engine Company based at the Scottsdale Airpark in Arizona (before the city took over fire service there). It was about mid morning when we got a call for a 4 month old, full code, at a day care. Carrying the EMS bag that had all the airway care equipment, I was the first one in the door. If you are in the Fire / EMS business you have heard of tunnel vision, that’s what I experienced. All I could see, as I threw the vital equipment to the ground, was that little boys blue, lifeless lips.

Not thinking about anything but basic CPR (it's always better to use your equipment and safety wear to prevent disease) I went straight to mouth to mouth resuscitation. When the rest of the crew got there, the medics did their job, the captain controlled the scene, and the firefighter who came into the scene in a single person unit rode in with the patient, leaving me to return his vehicle to the station. There I sat alone for 2 hours while the rest of the crew, along with CISD (Critical Incident Stress Debriefing) members, had a debriefing at the hospital where the child was pronounced dead. I never received any help for what I experienced that day and for about 1 year I experienced the taste of baby food in my mouth when I thought about it.

 A few weeks after that 4 month old boy died I was working in east Mesa where our fire dept. has a station in a county area. About the same time of day as the previous call I spoke about we received a call for a 3 month old girl in respiratory arrest. When we arrived on the scene, I took over airway from the paramedic in that position. As I was ventilating this little innocent girl I noticed both her parents sitting in their recliners, emotionless. After loading the patient on the helicopter, I had to hide my tears from bystanders as I walked back to the engine. I hid behind the engine doors and cried for a few minutes before realizing that the father of the little girl was staring at me. I remember thinking, "why the hell am I crying while you are so emotionless?" I was pissed off to say the least. Come to find out both parents were smoking methamphetamines and the mother was breast feeding. The 3 month old girl died on the way to the hospital.

Two weeks after that last incident my daughter Aleena was born and for an entire year after her birth. I couldn't stop thinking of those innocent children who lost their lives senselessly. Following months of drinking, missing work and moving into my own apartment due to a bad breakup with Aleena's mom, I asked one of my fellow firefighters for help. He was a part of the CISD Team and an experienced paramedic with maybe 20 years on the job. After my debriefing, my mind seemed free of some kind of black grainy cloud. I did go through counseling on my own after that, which also helped tremendously, and eventually I felt complete again.

Since all that mess, I have experienced more traumatic calls, including 2 more drownings, and have been able to cope much better. I have to admit that I did get very angry right away after the calls, as well as very tired. I usually stay up late but found myself exhausted and sleeping at 8:00 PM after the last child drowning. Anyway, I am sharing this story because, if used properly, the CISD Teams can help. I encourage all Firefighters, Ems , Doctors, Nurses, Police, and Military personnel to form a CISD Team. Train too! It is vital to stay up on training.

For the new guys - DO NOT BE AFFRAID TO FACE YOUR PEERS! Part of being in our business is being honest, fair, and right. Shouldn't YOU be the same for YOU? 

For the public - It doesn't take a severe incident like the one's we experience in firefighting to trigger a need for self help. Be aware of who you are, be honest, and be safe.